this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
