so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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