I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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