i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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