turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
