he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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