I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
