I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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