Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
