Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
