Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
