obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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