how can u be prego again
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
