Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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