Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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