if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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