i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
