What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
