I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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