paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
