he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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