I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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