I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
