my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My feet surprised me
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize