he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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