I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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