Don't make out with my wife yet
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
