when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
