I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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