Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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