then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
