yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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