2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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