My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
