i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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