apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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