saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
