I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
