her vagine was all disorganized.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
