Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
