I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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