dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
