i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
