the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize