the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
