At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
