I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
