I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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