cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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