I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just pee around me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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