I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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