I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
