Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
