Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
