Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
