I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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