I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
