does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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