If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
