Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
