she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
