Already got asked if we're dating
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
