Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
