Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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